before you even knew I was gone

I have been away for a few days, traveling to the wilds of Northern Pennsylvania to take care of some family matters. We drove up Thursday, back to the area where I spent my childhood years. It is always a mixed bag of emotions going back to this area, with all of the family history. This is where I lived off and on for all of my school-age years, except when my dad took a position as superintendent of schools in Scottdale (outside of Pittsburgh, for a few years). Our family name is still well known in these parts, nestled in the mountains and rural farming country that is Northern Pennsylvania.

Virginia and I made a brief stopover in Troy and I walked the grounds of one of my old family homes on Elmira Street with the current homeowner and we shared some stories and information about this place she and her husband bought from my folks more than 30 years ago. It was very interesting to learn that she avoids the same part of the house that I always avoided because it gave me a supreme feeling of disquiet, and apparently disturbs her as well. Very curious.

She wanted to know the history of the garden folly that my parents built from existing pillars that they found piled beside one of the barns when they moved in.... and I no longer saw the large square-carved carriage stones on the property that helped ladies alight from carriages long ago. We walked through the back barn that is now their pool enclosure and I learned that they had left the old work bench intact where my dad used to putter while a cast iron stove heated the place.

It is always a mixed bag of emotions to see the two houses where my family resided in Troy as they are also the sites of abuse perpetrated, and knowing that I was going back stirs up all kinds of ghosts. The house and two barns were all smaller than I remembered, but everything was well tended and well-loved by this nice couple. Hopefully happy family memories have overlayed the shadowed parts of my memories there.

Still to come.... a hike on the Loyalsock Trail, one of my old favorite places, and the other town I lived in about 20 miles away (and where I met Virginia at the end of 8th grade).

summertime, summertime, su - su- summertime...

Oh, I am enjoying this summer. The warmth feels good and when I get to escape the artificial climate of a building my skin prickles at the feeling of the sun and heat. I walk slowly when I can, breathing in the perfume of flowering plants and warm earth. I always feel best close to the land and growing up in farming country never hurt me as it taught an appreciation for the seasons, hard work, and how hard it is to grow food.

Funny how a bowl of ripe pears can make me feel rich.

fireworks

They never fail to bring back memories of other times and other places. In this third phase of my life, after childhood and marriage, I get to choose what I want and how things should be. For the first time in my life.

born on the fourth of July.......

Happy Birthday to my good friend Mimi, who was indeed born on the fourth of July. The fireworks are all for you Dear Lady!

sunny side up

It is not coincidental that my dad called me sunshine as a child, that I found a tremendous affinity with sunflowers, or that I am now known for my sunny disposition. In fact, it takes quite a lot to get me going as I always try to take the peaceful, passive stance in a squabble or argument. That said, once my fuse is lit I will stand up for myself.

I have always hated arguments... since childhood when I would creep out of bed at the sound of raised voices downstairs, and I still remember looking through the stair railing from about the fifth step down from the second floor landing.... watching my parents screaming and pointing in front of the fireplace on Elmira Street.

Back then my dad was a school principal, before he moved on to the position of superintendent that he held in several districts on through his retirement. My parents were going through a stormy patch and soon they went away for a "marriage encounter" and came back after the weekend with a bumper sticker for their car. I didn't understand where they went, but it didn't make a difference in the day-to-day dynamics of my rather difficult childhood.

My oldest brother went through a rough time with my parents as he went through high school and discovered the love of his life, and it made me sad for him that they were always yelling. Top of his class, captain of the basketball team. One day after graduation he got in a car with his girlfriend and drove to Florida and never looked back. My one friend and safe harbor from the storm was gone.

My next brother was always an under-achiever and as the middle child my mother felt he needed extra protection, and she overlooked all the calculated, underhanded, manipulative things he did. As far as she was concerned he was an angel, and I think she loved him best as he was most like her. She said he would always be the weak one of the three of us. He began molesting me sometime before my 8th birthday.

He went to college on my parents' dime and took basket-weaving and partied hard until he joined the campus crusade and was suddenly "born again". He came home spouting all sorts of psychology 101 and continued to be vicious and cruel to me, once pulling me up out of a bean bag chair by the hood of my sweatshirt so forcefully that the zipper front cut into the sides of my neck. Getting "saved" had not improved him.

Finally, thankfully, he was gone.... but now my mother's vengeance was focused only on me. The physical and verbal abuse was terrible. My teachers did not want to know that all was not well in our household and they ignored all the signs. My dad the superintendent was always absent, emotionally and physically - always working. It was a tough few years to get through and I spent as much time as possible away in the woods or with friends. After graduation I ran and landed in Florida... soon to be entrapped in an unhealthy 20 year marriage because all of my cogs never had the chance to get fixed. Stupid. That marriage is the single biggest mistake I ever made, except for my beautiful children.

This upbringing might have made another person mean and uncaring... my pendulum swung so far in the other direction that for the longest time I would not, could not stand up for myself... and I lived in fear of making people angry. Doormat was my middle name.

Fast forward twenty years and I am tired of anger and stirred up emotions and drama, and all I want is peace and quiet and calm. I have removed myself from my family of origin for my own safety and well-being. I want to draw good people to me, to smile at them and love them and cherish each and every friend in my path. Not susy sunshine, but someone whose sunny side is up.

can you move those clouds for me?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is right in front of you. The life lessons and signs and all the things that our bodies can tune into or not depending on what is happening around us. Strong scratchy energy and clouds can obscure things that on another day would be obvious in the shuttered mind, and reading signs on the ground is impossible in a dust storm. Waiting for clarity and allowing love in to ease the (sometimes) very painful process of being.

how many campers fit in my studio?

About 15

Yesterday I had the opportunity to lead the first of four watercolor demos for a group of fifteen campers and two staff members at the art center. They all gathered in the studio and we talked about my work and process, how my studio is organized, and then I painted a wash for a goddess painting with a running commentary as they called out each of the colors that I would use. We had a great back and forth conversation, and everyone was very focused and tuned in. They were great guests and are welcome back any time!

At the end of the day a camper brought her Dad and her little brother into the studio to show them the washes, and it was so nice that the demo had made a strong impression on her. Three more demos with different groups of kids will happen over the course of the summer, and other resident artists are preparing demos that they will present as well to enrich the kids' artistic experience while they spend their summertime making art.

I love this art center and the service it provides to the community at large and to all of the people who have the opportunity to learn and experience so much just because the art center is there. It is such a wonderful place and I am so fortunate to be there.